


This Is Why Therapy Was Invented

by Celebrate_the_irony



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Louis and Harry give The Talk, M/M, Parenthood, They don't do it well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2018-01-08 21:45:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1137736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celebrate_the_irony/pseuds/Celebrate_the_irony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Well thanks then Dads for those horrible mental scars, I will never forget the moment my father told me how much sex he was having. That’s some true family bonding”</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Is Why Therapy Was Invented

**Author's Note:**

> So the prompt was "someone write louis and harry giving the talk to their daughter please." and I got a little carried away.  
> I thought I do two talks one where the parents suffer and one where the kid suffered.  
> idek man

Harry remembers when Ella was born and he said to Louis “She is not learning about sex until she’s at least 56,” and Louis nodded his head in agreement with an extremely serious expression on his face. Harry knew that dream was unrealistic but he’d always thought he wouldn’t have to give the talk because of sex education at schools and all that. But here he was at home when his nine year old daughter ran through the front door with his four year old son chasing after her. His husband soon shuffled in behind them looking shell-shocked.

“Hi Daddy!” Ella yelled.

“Hi sweetie! How was school today?” Harry asked. Louis gave him a look that said “Brace yourself,” Harry frowned at him because she’s only nine.

“Well Tom said that his Mum told him that babies were made by a Mum and a Dad giving each other a special hug with no clothes on and I said that’s wrong because I have two dads,” Ella said proud of herself for defending her fathers. Harry’s eyes widened in shock.

“Oh…. Did he now?” Harry stuttered out.

“Yeah so how are babies made Daddy?” Ella asked him looking at him with big green innocent eyes. Oh god this day was here.

“Erm Louis!” Harry practically yelped. He was not ready for this he needs Louis right now he’s not prepared.

“Luke!” Louis shouted. Oh no he’s not getting out of this that easily. The boy ran up to him. Louis knelt down to his level. “How about you go up to your room and find a book for us to read that isn’t Winnie the Pooh yeah?”

Oh thank god he's just getting rid of Luke.

“But Dad!” Luke whined.

“No buts Luke, you have all these awesome books and you read two of them, go find something else and I’ll be up in a bit,” Louis said and stood back up after Luke begrudgingly nodded and scampered off. Louis walked over to the living room where Harry was and sat next to him and put his hand on Harry’s thigh. “So what was the question dollface?”

“How are babies made?” Ella repeated. Louis dug his nails into Harry’s jeans. Ouch

“Oh,”

“Erm well Tom was kind of right,” Harry started.

“Although it’s not called a special hug it’s called sex,” Louis corrected

“Remember that she’s nine Lou,” Harry whispered angrily into Louis’s ear. Louis rolled his eyes at him.

“Do you have sex?” Ella asked.

“ _Nine_ ,” Harry repeated.

“Err well yes but that’s not how we got you and Luke,” Louis explained “Most boys can’t get pregnant honey,”

“So how did you have me?” Ella asked confused. Oh thank god we’ve moved away from sex. Harry never wants to talk about that ever again.

“Well since girls can get pregnant your Auntie Gemma wanted to be a surrogate for us and Louis dontated… erm,” Harry was stuck. Was sperm an appropriate topic for a nine year old? Harry wouldn’t know as he considers nothing about this conversation appropriate for a nine year old.

“The boy stuff that makes a baby,” Louis suggested helpfully.

“Yes and erm Gemma got pregnant and had you for us.” Harry finished. Well that was considerably more painful than having a tooth removed. Change of topic now please.

“Is she my Mummy?” Ella said after thinking about what her fathers had said. It was an understandable question but for some reason it felt a little bit like a blow to the stomach.

“No,” Harry said that little bit too quickly.

“You don’t need a mummy you’ve got me and your Dad here,” Louis said in an attempt to get the topic away from mothers.

“Ok,” Ella said “Do we have any peanut butter?”

“Yeah where it always is sweetie,” Louis said. But he needn’t have bothered she had run off already. “How you holding up?” He said to Harry.

“Leave me here to die,” Harry groaned and buried his face into Louis shoulder.

“Oh it wasn’t that bad,” Louis said.

“Do you have sex are hardly the words I want to hear come out of my nine year olds mouth,” Harry replied.

“Could’ve been worse, she could have asked how,” Louis said, Harry groaned into Louis shoulder. Even the notion. “As fun as this is I have our son to read to,” He kissed Harry and stood up

“Enjoy Winnie the Pooh,” Harry said

“I told him we’re not reading Winnie the Pooh,” Louis said proud of his parenting genius.

“You’re reading Winnie the Pooh,” Harry repeated.

“I’m reading Winnie the Pooh,” Louis said mournfully.

* * *

Harry thought they’d be better prepared for the next talk, but Luke never asked so they never bothered. It wasn’t until Luke was seventeen that The Talk came up and it wasn’t any old talk it was the Safe Sex talk. It had occurred after the night that Harry and Louis went out for the night to see the lads leaving Luke home alone, which was their first mistake. Their second mistake was coming home late and entering the house quietly because they thought Luke was asleep and they didn’t want to wake him up. Their third and final mistake was Louis checking in on him to see how he was doing when the correct phrase was _who_ he was doing. Louis had to be calmed down after that and spent the night in shock and needing a lot of booze. They stayed up all night after that, well Luke hid in his room after making the girl leave, but Louis and Harry did. The Talk happened that morning at around 10 when Louis was sober enough to talk but drunk enough to forget the mental image.

“Luke, sit down,” Harry said and gestured to the chair in front of them.

“I knew I shouldn’t have left my room,” Luke muttered under his breath and sat down.

“You’d have to leave eventually,” Harry said. Louis was glaring at Luke throughout all this.

“Well erm did you use protection?” Harry asked awkwardly. He was struggling with this but probably not as much as Louis was right now. Luke just pointedly avoided looking at them “Not even a condom Luke?”

“They don’t fit me,” Luke said quietly.

“They don’t fit you?” Louis said quite suddenly. “Luke if your father can fit into a condom anyone can,” He then draped his arm affectionately on Harry’s shoulder. And suddenly Harry realised just how they were going to do this talk. They were going to shame him into abstinence or at the very least shame him into not having sex at their house. 

“DAD!” Luke yelled disgusted.

“So why did you really not use protection huh?” Louis asked

“Erm well we didn’t have any,” Luke said.

“Oh so you couldn’t find the ones in the bathroom, that’s ok Luke that’s more for me and your father to use. We’ve just run out as well.” Louis said.

‘Dadddd!” Luke said mortified.

“Who was she anyway?” Louis asked

“Ella never had to go through this,” Luke mumbled.

“Ella never brought strange girls home without asking.” Harry pointed out.

"Ok I get it, I won’t do it again.” Luke said as though that changed anything and went to get up.

“Sit back down boy we ain’t finished with you,” Louis said as Harry grabbed his son and pulled him back down. Harry must admit that he was enjoying this talk much better than the last one. “Do you even know how to put on a condom?” Louis asked frankly.

“Erm kind of,” Luke said vaguely.

“Kind of?” Louis said raising his eyebrows. ‘Haz could you get me a condom please?”

“I always keep one on me just in case your father gets a little frisky,” Harry said pulling one out of his pocket. He doesn’t he just had one in his pocket after putting it there this morning. He had a feeling they would need it. He got up to go look for some sort of phallic looking object.

“This is so not happening.” Luke said to no one in particular.

“Oh it so is,” Louis said. Harry finds the ever educational banana and gives it to his husband. “Show me how you think you do it,” Luke looked at him strangely but complied. He did a below average job and Harry decided that Luke’s school was not worth all the money Harry had spent.

“There,” Luke said.

“Wrong,” Louis said and pulled it off. “It’s like you’ve never seen a penis in your life,”

“Ugh Dad,” Luke groaned.

“This is a very small banana, I’m used to working with something much bigger,” Louis smirked. He continued talking before Luke could whine. “Hang on to the tip and glide it on. The tips important because that’s where all the cum goes,”

“Ew,”

“You’re a big boy now, suck it up,” Louis said and then laughed. “Suck it up! Get it? Cuz we’re talking about jizz.” Luke did not laugh. Instead he banged his head against the table. Harry started to feel a little sorry for him to be honest. “Now some condoms are pre-lubricated but its best to use your own lube anyway because it’ll feel better for her… or him…. Them,”

“This is lube,” Harry said and pulled the tube out of his other pocket and gave it to Luke. Again he thought he’d come prepared. Luke looked like he wanted nothing to do with it though.

“Jesus Harry how much sex do you think we’re having?” Louis joked.

“Not enough darling,” Harry retorted and battered his eyelashes. Luke appeared to have just vomited in his mouth a little.

“I think that’s everything. I don’t know much about birth control and clearly you already know where babies come from, do you know where you came from because we certainly don’t know,” Louis laughed. Harry thought he would be the one telling the lame dad jokes he was wrong, so wrong. Just the other day he asked him to put the kettle on and Louis replied that he thought it wouldn’t fit him. He’s not funny and he’s not to be encouraged.

“Well thanks then Dads for those horrible mental scars, I will never forget the moment my father told me how much sex he was having. That’s some true family bonding” Luke said sarcastically and quickly left the room.

“That’s why therapy was invented son,” Louis shouted after him. Harry and Louis then looked at each other and started to giggle.

“God that was fun,” Harry said.

“We should embarrass our children more often,” Louis agreed.

“You don’t think we were a little too hard on him?” Harry asked. He leant on his husband’s shoulder and looked up at him.

“Nah, now that’s he’s gone off sex we can achieve our dream of one of our offspring becoming a nun,” Louis said.

“If he doesn’t abandon his nunning ways so he can become a nanny for a singing family we are disowning him,” Harry said in a mock serious tone.

“I knew we should have called him Maria,” Louis deadpanned.

“Well now that our son will never leave his room again do you want a drink?” Harry asked.

“Sure babe, but no alcohol we’re supposed to be responsible parents."

“Honey we just told our son that we have big dicks I think responsibility went out the window a while ago,”

“Well when you put it like that, I’ll have juice please,” Louis said. Harry rolled his eyes. He had to admit though if his children never talk to him about sex again it would still be too soon.


End file.
